Holy Shit Batman

Well you'd think giving up the breast would be enough noooooooooooooooooo chemo, radiation, cancer drugs. I made an appointment today to go pick out a wig. Never in a million years did I want to do this. But you know I'm going to have a killer wig, ahem wigs. Scarves and hats. I don't know how I'll handle a bald head. I don't think its because I'm vain, who wants to be bald. But its better then the alternative not having found the cancer and well. So I definitely will get a funky one to wear if I am ever in a funky mood again. Halloween will be here and I will get an orange one for the 31st.OK enough about the wigs and baldness. If anyone reading this gets cancer or an illness I'm telling you blogging is the way to go. It's like so healing so safe in a weird way can't explain it just do it.
My breast is sore if you're wondering, the scar is long, narrow, neatly done, healing well. It's very swollen twice the size of the healthy right. The swelling will go down and the left will be smaller then the other. Yeah....I have a tight band like a tensor around my chest pressing the boobs down so the breast doesn't feel like its under my chin. That was a little hard to deal with.
I cannot believe I actually had a choice between a lumpectomy or mastectomy. I mean the breast was full of bad stuff, hard to screen on the mammogram, the ultra sound picked up the tumour, and the pathology after discovered there were two and the second bigger. Lots of homework and questions to ask. I need to better educate myself all on of this. Then I will be an activist, I will fight for women's breast everywhere, I'll be big yeah that's it big I tell you (little James Cagney for you). Well the fight right now has to be me doing it for me then I'll think about saving the world. Yeah and after my trip to Spain and Portugal next fall. Oh how soon will I forget??
Never I tell you, never will I forget and that's not being funny. My cancer was caught in time and she had decided to spread she was looking for stuff to feed on . Women girls we all need to ask more questions. I'm learning not to listen to what others say about their friends , sisters, mothers who went through it , make it you're mission to log on and read, read, learn ,learn. talk to doctors. Talk with other women eventually but not before you see your specialists surgeons. My choice was the right choice, who knew they were going to find what they did, based on the diagnostic tools and services offered to me. I made the right decision. My Oncologist agreed with me. Speaking of this I'd say 32 year old petite dynamo, she was awesome. I heard her coming down the hall before I met her and just by the clip clop of her high heels I knew she was a woman on a mission. Naturally for the first 10 minutes I gave her one liners actually kept cracking her up. then when I calmed down and listened the tears poured no no not from her me!!!!just joshing again. Frank liked her and we brought my private nurse. I will never ever be left alone in a hospital without a hired nurse to care for me. The others may be great.I met and was taken care by some of the best. But if you read about my night after the surgery you would understand.
Well I'm tired now just wanted you to know what was on my mind.The first round of chemo will be Oct 13th, if you're allowed drop by I'll be there probably all day. Frank is bringing his guitar and is going to serenade the whole floor. He has a beautiful voice, he's a real crooner, does Elvis, Beatles, French Balads, Brad Johner, Colin Ray, he is a master picker and has played with alot of somethin somethins. He's my Heroe and my Saint right now. His words of wisdom, advice, his smiles. Never enables me to go to a dark place. OK tired of reading. I;m tired of blogging. Good night.

Aha Moments are great!

I finally had a day with my son. We cried together and had an old fashioned Sunday. It was like he was 10 again and we watched Television and I made him Kraft dinner. I ate out of the pot like long ago. We laughed about some of the ol times my old boyfriends and funny things he had said when he was little. He was really cute as a baby, no he was a gorgeous baby. He's gorgeous now. We didn't have it easy when we first started out as a single Mother and son. He used to stand at the end of the driveway when his Father was coming to get him. He would stand there and yell "Daddy". Honest to God I'm telling you the truth.
We we're in Halifax when his Father and I split it took me four months get money to move and get an apartment in Moncton. Once we got here I hit the wall. My back went out, I n ever had a sore back in my life. I couldn't get off the couch and depression was setting in and money was running out. My friend Kim called and told me to get my ass to Social Assistance to help me out for awhile. OMG was she crazy??? Me on welfare not for 10 seconds. After a few days of bemoaning my fate my miserable ex, I put Robert in a stroller and walked downtown to the Social Assistance office it was 3 miles and 30 degrees away, I was boiling. Yup I was in full make up and dressed like a socialite. I spoke with this lady and after convincing her (or so I thought) that I was a special case, I found out she had been my Grandmothers secretary at CKCW when she was on Television. She was so lovely to me. She helped me accept my circumstances and put me under the Unemployment umbrella, helped me get into College and I never looked back. I was on S.A. for one month , So when I think of how hard that was, all that is ahead of me has to be a piece of cake. OK not a piece of cake but I will be a stronger and better Sue. And Cancer free.
xoxoxoxox

Big News Today

.Ok so the pathology came back today. Saw Dr. Tait who is my cancer surgeon. The CANCER has not spread to lymph nodes. However they found another freaking tumor in there. This one close to the chest wall and bigger. So I will have all the reconstruction of breast stopped, they will take out the tissue expander (surgery) which is a drag, because the new breast was healing well. I will have radiation and perhaps chemotherapy. This sucks but they are taking really good care of me. I have a general practitioner who is a woman, surgeon woman, plastic surgeon woman, oncologist woman, radiologist woman. So you know they will all understand that my breasts are my life. Just a lil joke for y'all. Don't worry. Frank is buying me a red convertible when I turn 50, I plan on being around to drive it. Speaking of Frank, God gave me an Angel he is absolutely fabulous, Robert is finally a student and doing so well at school. All he has on is mind is graduating in June and chicks. Fine. This is funny, Frank told me to get a cleaning lady, so I went on Kijiji and found this 60 year old Dolly Parton. She is 4ft 10 so I am taller then she is. She is a joyful spirit and all my friends want her; she is just great; she lost her husband two years ago and was looking to feel needed and I need her. She's so foxy Patti wants her to clean her house, thinking her husband may lose weight.
So I shall take the good with the bad. I will keep kicking the ass out of this. xoxoxo

Highs and Lows

OMG Like all things I do, I jump in with both feet not bothering to look right or left!! Optimism or bust. Well I'm a little busted tonight. I had two days of joy, and even drove the car. I baked, cooked, and flooded the basement. I left the tap on in the basement sink downstairs , yup with the stopper on, and our beautiful new house will need a new floor in the basement. I wasn't even on pain killers; just dumb luck. Frank says I am now his official "putz". Great.
I stopped writing for a few days as I now seem to think that writing well is needed. I will try to create full sentences for your reading pleasure and put apostrophes where needed. Frank says I have a problem with your and you're, as long as you know, I told him, that I am yours.
This has been so emotional,this battle and surgery and Breast Cancer business. I have a scar on my breast and my son has even received a few scars from me as well . Next time I ask him to do something he will probably do it right away. Boy I can yell. Its his first trek into this unknown land as well, and he is a trooper. He is doing great at school, getting his Bronze Cross in swimming and just being an Angel. I love that child with all my heart. I really didn't yell that loud.
I got the blasted drain out of my breast yesterday had my first shower in two weeks today. That was so great. The drain is a tube they leave in you to drain excess fluid in the breast. It's not pleasant walking around with your body fluids hanging around your waist. Whatever it takes to get better however you do. Speaking of the waist you see more of it when a breast is gone, my waist is the shape of a Bell!!
You know you can forget, for minutes even a few hours, that this has all happened. The pain is gone, you no longer need percocets, just Tylenol, you can shower, cook, and then you move the wrong way or you catch a glimpse of yourself, panic sets in. Well for this gal it tends to. I have said before I have been living my life like I'm running out of time. Now all I want is time. Time to heal, time to dream, time to listen to those who want to talk. My father used to say " do your best today because this day will never be here again." Well, despite the ups and downs of today, I guess I will sign my name to it.

Monday Sept 21st Last day of Summer

This is probably the most stressful week I will ever have. Waiting to see if Cancer is in the lymph nodes. Imagine the feeling, unless you've been diagnosed with this you can't imagine, pure unadulterated fear. No other word comes to mind. So you have to dig to the bottom of your core and pull out optimism. Because if the news isn't good you'll really need the optimism to carry you. Do exactly what you want and refuse to let a chance of negativity in. for me the negativity from myself is choking so someone accidentally saying the wrong thing is brutal.
I wish I was this naturally syrupy sweet woman, but those who know me, know the mean Sukey streak so when in her cave, don't touch her. Thank God I don't go there very often. Maybe I'm finally out. But won't know until tomorrow.

Saturday Night

Thusrday...spirits lifting

Today is the first day on caffeine since the operation. Yahoo natural Colombian Buzz. Even helped with the soreness. I knew I would pick myself up today and smile., my teenager is going to a dance tonight with his girlfriend, she's a girl and just a friend as he likes to point out. They we're so cute at dinner time. Life is going on all around me now. People we're here in time of crisis and made the route so much easier. Hope the end is soon, of bad news and diagnosis,time to heal and let go of what ifs, time to dream of the future. Live in the now.
Ok now I am sounding preachy. Someone was over today and talking about all these problems people we're having people I don't know. I wanted to yell out loud stop it stop it..I don't want bad news or gossip its poisoning my plants............ let alone me. When we say things do we say it with love??? Do we want to hear that someone might have it worse then us??? Was I someone who didn't accept people as they are, did I gossip to make myself feel better? Did I gossip or chatter and natter about nothing because that is what humans do? For today I promise not to gossip or listen to others misfortunes, I will wish well for others and keep karma positive. I will be sickening sweet until it feels real and it isn't something to try on.

September 16th "Sorrow"

I hope I never forget the depth of my sorrow today, because it has to all be up from here. I am anticipating great joy. The tears stung, the breast was sore the anger the annoyances all fell hard today. But tonight I feel free and I know I will wake up tomorrow and be my spirited self. I have to be, otherwise this illness will win and it cannot be allowed to take my light.
Ok that's a little deep for me. I don't think I ever felt such sadness for myself. I hope when I feel joy again I will feel it from the tips of my tippy toes to the end of my hair. I need to remember all the miracles and the lessons I have witnessed and learned up until now. There is great love on this earth. Those of us who have it have to spread it. There is so much to do so many to help. I'm not good at feeling to the core. So much pain from the past. That ended today I cried like a Mother Bear who just lost her cub.
I was blessed today with loved ones who caught me as I fell, thank you.

September 15th Post Surgery

Well I don't feel like blogging, however I committed to the idea and it helped me so much why stop now. The morning of the surgery was quite funny, because I hadn't had a period in 2 months they had to do a pregnancy test of all things. My sister Pat and I sat there and laughed at the idea especially as Frank had a vasectomy 3 years ago, I always told him to get it checked. Well of course I wasn't. The dye test for the lymph nodes was painful, but the Dr, was so sweet Dr. Brown, He was the Radiologist who did the Ultra sound and found the Lump. So sweet. So I woke up alone after surgery which was the only thing I had asked not to happen. The circumstances as to why don't matter and I grew from that as well. Damn Growth.
The nurses who attended me the first afternoon and early evening were awesome then night time came.
The evening nurse was a young girl, barely in her twenties, to be kind at this point I won't say her name. She was like a waitress taking my order and not a waitress who was interested in serving another table. She rushed around me and made me a lil nervous. My sister Jennifer stayed with me the latest she stayed until 10pm, I was hungry so she got me some ice cream. Right after she left I felt like throwing up so I called for nurse . She came and gave me something to throw up in and cleaned me up little. She left me at 10.15 (clock at foot of bed up on wall which tick ticked annoyingly all night). I was left in a sitting position my bed upright, not covered up the scent of thrown up ice cream lingering around me. I woke up at 3am, stiff neck, freezing, in pain and flabbergasted that I was left like that, 10 hours after being in surgery for 4 hours. Now I am the first to say I am a lil high maintenance and there are alot of people who would argue this and tell me I am not a high maintenance person simply one who knows what she wants and it took me 20 years to stand up for myself.
Is it theis young nurses fault to leave someone alone like that after such a loss, the loss of a breast the diagnosis of cancer alone like that? Is the our health care system??? Should she not at least checked my vitals? Checked to see if I had vomited again? The second night my roommate and I were kept awake for 3 hours by laughing nurses and chatter and the clanging of charts outside our door. I had managed to drift off then awoke again. I spoke to Eunice my roommate and she was so upset , I hobbled out of bed opened the door from our room and addresed a nurse to please come in our room. She looked at me in complete shock and came to my bed, I climbed back in yup unassisted, and told her that Eunice and I needed our sleep, and that she and her colleagues would do us a great service if they kept it down and if another chart clanged I would probably lose it!! She looks at me and says I understand would ther be anything else?? After she left Eunice thanked me as she would never have had the courage to address the nurses. We seemed to have come so far, but these we're women outside our door.....they are supposed to be our sisters. I didn't plan on having a drive through mastectomy but unfortunatley thats what I had. I had wonderful friends come to see me beauftiful flowers delivered and during the day awesome nurses on the floor. The doctors were the best. But I plan now to do something about the care. They say Breast Cancer is a Western Disease, seems to attack affluent women. Well it attacked the wrong woman or right woman because no one will ever be left 5 hours unattended and not tucked in.

Monday Sept 7th

Well Id don't want this anymore. Wednesday after the surgery I should be cancer free. Its the most scared I have ever been in my life. I am positive and eternally optimistic most of the time. I don't know how to feel other then scared. tonight. Frank won't be here and it sucks for me, but its worse for him and I know that. He will be here in Spirit, we have a love that is rare and we cherish it.
My vanity comes in handy right now knowing he won't see me at my worst. Surgery sucks and anesthesia is worse. There I pulled out my humour. I feel better already. I knew blogging would be the great catharthis for me. I hope thats the right word. God I have a huge ego. OK OK enough from me today.

Saturday....5 days to surgery

You know I wouldn't wish this Breast Cancer on anyone but let me tell you the gifts and love and Aha moments are wonderful. You really understand the importance of slowing down and smelling the flowers. I held my two week old niece Anna yesterday, after her Mother fed her she went to sleep on my chest. I wondered how it would feel afte they take the breast. The bosom the warm place to have a head rest. The baby felt wonderful, sleeping there. I didn't think of her on my breast but felt her on my heart. Her older brother whose two was supposed to come over for a swim and he chose not to. Had he come I would have splashed around in the pool with him and missed the opportunity of getting to know Anna. She is soft and sweet fine strawberry hair and lots of it. She yawns, smiles in her sleep and I see my sister Judy in her. Was a beautiful present delivered by the Stork.

Thursday and bumps in the road.

Well alot a few people I have discovered are not interested in reading the blog. I am writing it for me. Not all people would bare their souls this way. This is the way I have to do it. I have learned alot of lessons doing it this way. I understand myself more and perhaps a few others. I've always been pretty direct and you typically know where I stand on things. I never thought I would get cancer,really didn't. But I have it. I wan't to continue being myself, I am not going to let it own one part of me. Its renting right now for some reason. Well I know the reasons. I was supposed to slow down notice more listen more understand more. I've made a friend with a 2 year old. My nephew Izaac I love this kid. I' was so blessed this summer to get to know this little boy. I choose to be with him and others that I love . I love my siblings love my parents. But I need to be me and not in one way have any demands on me. Just love me, if you can't accept fake it until this is over. That is love.

Wednesday...Mastectomy

I don't even know if I'm spelling mastectomy right who cares. We all know what it is to some degree, they are taking my left breast. Now this is my choice, I could have a lumpectomy but heelllloooooooooooooo like I want this back??? They think its just here in the breast. Have to have screening lymph nodes checked. Helllooooooooooooooooo take the breast. Leaving the right one, as is . She is fine and will miss the left very much. Am I scared and using humour to cover my true dark deep feelings ...awwwwwwwwwww yeah!! I refuse to go to a negative place no negative no negative. . Some of you write on face book and I cannot tell you what that has meant to me. Suppport is paramount when confronted with this Big C word.
Frank appears back to normal today. Wow, he was telling me he loved me 25 times an hour. OK so this has stopped but I kind of miss it although it was driving me crazy. Come to think of it lots is driving me crazy lately. Like who the hell is going to clean the kitty litter when I'm in the hospital, no one folds laundry right and Robert like slams the microwave door every night at midnight. He advised me yesterday that Chili would be a great snack. Manipulater I made him one tonight huge batch. Quite good. I don't know how to spell manipulater either. Did I tell you I won the spelling bee in grade 3. Should never have happened as I never studied my spelling after that , hell I won!!! So perhaps I have the spelling level of a 10 year old. Naw to hard on myself and that is negative. I type to fast thats it.

Tuesday ...Cancer

Well I just can't talk or write about it today. Too much today. I'm good........a friend just called sho hasn't called me in months. She feels bad. But...friendships take work and need to be nourished and cherished. I want to forgive her. But it gives me something else to be mad at right now.

Week 2 with Breast Cancer

Yesterday was the end of the most stressful week of my life to date! Bar none! Probably more then that due to having a partner so close to the situation and a son both stressing so the house of jumpy to say the least. We saw Dr. Tate and she was great. But now is the time to decide what type of treatment. I am in favor of the bilateral mastectomy (taking both breasts) however I haven't seen Dr. Skanes who would be doing the reconstruction so when I come out of her office I will be more at peace I hope.
I cannot tell you if you haven't gone through this how tough this is. If I had a tooth causing cancer I would have it pulled. Done finito. But when its the breasts its weird I mean no one can see them and when you wear clothes who can tell if they are pretty, big, I mean wow. But then we don't breast feed with our teeth, or grab our children and others and pull them to our mouths we pull to our bosom. We pull to the comfy warm loving place. Sex well we could turn the lights out!!! Yup lots of decisions. At the end of the day many have died from cancer and it spreading. I have a chance to arrest it. I that means taking my beautiful (let me tell you they are ) breasts then so be it.