The Breast Divide

Well just a meltdown with my cat this time with chemo so all is well. But some really nice revelations and turn arounds. Thought I'd share. You see I lost the breast and thought I had accepted it but no not really. I loved my breasts and my body OK didn't love love it. I was always controlling my diet. Tried hard to look good which is normal most women want to look their best. But I was really forgetting to take a bath and a shower girls. Ok Ok I did but not like i used to . There were a few days I couldn't remember my last one but thats chemo short term memory loss.

I go take a shower and walk by the mirror and duck literally didn't want to see the scar. So I mostly bathed. But you know time does heal all things. Well maybe it does or doesn't I like to think that it does. So the last week (8) days, Frank was away and I freely walked around bald, didn't worry what I looked like. Looked after my teenager got things done.

Some things I did I don't think I'd do again. I bought chemo sweaters big sweaters that hid my body. So Friday Frank is home and a friend drops in and she's all dressed up she'd been working looked pretty in her suit an makeup. She left, then another friend dropped in, looking fabulous and I'm sitting there in my chemo clothes. Feeling not to sexy or beautiful. Something changed in side that night I went into the shower and washed my breast I looked at it and washed it. Patted it dry and put cream on it. You know I wasn't even cuddling with Frank unconsciously I was letting the breast that is gone separate me from myself and him and well maybe a few loved ones.( No NO know what you're thinking no love ones played with them sheesh.) I walked in on my sister changing one day and she turned and there her girls we're. Jeolous yup maybe down deep and I don't think these feelings are unusual.

So I am starting to love the side of my body that got sick. I feel sexier wearing some slim fitting clothes and feeling it on the inside and cannot wait to spoon tonight and no more great breast divide. Thanks for letting me share, it is so healing.

love Sue

Saturday Night

Well its been another week and hopefully I am another week stronger. I know my son is and that is a good thing. He got a little turned around and is finally my Robb again. Frank is in Montreal until next Thursday he left Friday morning. So I am keeping busy starting to decorate for Christmas. I am starting to see patterns with myself and into the third week when the chemo bloat has lessened, I can taste food again, I'm not ADHD on the steroids I start to whine that I have to go through it all over again. I know there are people worse off then me and try to count blessings but usually a meltdown happens and thankfully it was just over the pool which seems funny now.
I went to an exercise class at the YMCA for Breast Cancer Survivors and women like myself going through the chemo, some going soon for reconstruction. It was hard at first I was almost late for the class so I walked into a room and all eyes looked at me. This was hard and I wanted to cry but I didn't. I never thought in a million years I would be a part of this group. But I'm here and I'm trying to go through this with humour good attitude. There is alot of progress for all Cancers now, I will kick the ass out of this.
I don't know if I told this story but my grandmother Jarvis had a friend who was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 30 years ago. She had her breast removed and lived another 4 years. This lady was 91 when she had her breast removed. She is one of my heroes and I think of her when I have a bad moment. When my sister Judy calls and I'm having a bad day she says Ok Sue you can have a bad day but it doesn't have to be a bad week so snap out of it. I thank God for her.
So many are holding my hand through this, Thank You.
I will end with this last week I was getting ready for an everning and started to cry because nothing fit, Frank was on the bed watching Golf, I walk in crying, then I caught a look at myself in the mirror. The tears were streaming down exactly in th e middle of my cheeks. I looked at Frank and said "look honey I'm crying like the actresses", we both cracked up.

Hit the wall again

I go go go go one..........It's just I have all this energy. Or maybe I just want to go fast so this journey will be over with. This is one thats hard to say "sit back and enjoy the ride". Despite that I have had some amazing experiences and some fabulous people mainly women have come into my life and its been fabulous. All of a sudden theres all these women my age going through the late forties thing. I was alone for awhile, not by choice just the way life went. My friends became wives of Franks friends and associates, most of them wonderful but nothing compares to the gals from Riverview High, and friends made along the way.
Anyway I flooded the basement as you know if you've been following me and Frank and Robert decided to start moving some things tonight. The movers are coming tomorrow to put everything back. I am excited about designing a new spare room in the basement. So Frank puts the bed inthe new room I go down to make it and Frank has put the outdoor pool under the bed. So its stuck and I can't move the bed and he put the bed where ...yup I wouldn't have put it. So I FREAKED THE HELL OUT OVER THE POOL. Then I cried like a two year old having a complete meltdown on its Mother........................... The pool is no longer under the bed.
Now I feel great. Robert is making me a CD and Frank is downstairs (maybe setting fire to the pool) but I think making me popcorn.
I'm sure both Robb and FRank want to sing "she ain't pretty she just looks that way"!!!!

Hello Again

Well it was another wonderful round of chemo. Hi's lows in between but I have an amazing team looking after me at the Hospital that will not complain one bit. This is all to make me healthy, and scare away any future cancer cells that think for one minute they are going to rest in this body. Speaking of bodies chemo has and the steroids and all the medications have wreaked havoc on it. I take god care of it, but it's not mine its been taken over by bloat, sponge like feelings everywhere, hair here and there, thank goodness I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. Yes its clear as a bell down south (in case you we're afraid to ask). I go to wear something and nope doesn't fit it did last week but not this week. By the next chemo bloat will be gone and my body will be ready to take it on again. Exercise well more then a little walk is all I can due because I need my strenght when I get the tiredness which falls upon you with absolutely no notice. Its like the neighbor who drops in the minute your bath water is perfect. You do know when your ok to drive and go out but there is always a plan B in case. But the last 7 days before the next chemo I really do feel well and pretty much like my old self. So I have two down and 4 to go .
So I've been watching the guys renovate my basement due to (if you remember) I had a flood int he basement and had fun showing up and chatting with them on Thursday every time I went downstairs I had a different wig on it was really funny. Great bunch of guys. They were scarlet when I showed up bald. Too funny.
My teenage son has been predictably dramatic for his age. He has a girlfriend and the sun of course sets and rises on her head. I like it when she's coming over he cleans the whole house empties the dishwasher cleans the littler box. Gotta love it. She lives naturally at the other end of Riverview and the driving to and fro is new for us but hey. They grow and are gone pretty fast.
Franks been great. I decided Friday night since I was feeling better to maybe get a lil romantic for him. So I put on a nightie that I had bought and hadn't tried figured it would fit. So I go and put it on, going over my head I knew I might be in trouble. I squeezed into this number, look in the mirror, it is hugging my body to death. I am standing staring at a bold person every new ripple is showing, my left breast or where it was is looking at me flat and furious the right looks like it might hit my chin, my arms look like a linebacker.............did I mention I'm bald? Franks lying on the bed I turn and face him and say well I don't think this is sexy?? He looks up and says "well its a bit challenging"!!! OMG I grabbed scissors and had to cut myself out of the nightie. If and I plan on living to be 100 I will never forget what I looked like in that mirror. Yup the last chemo can't come fast enough!!!

Where did I go????

Well apparently I have a sexy head! My sister Judy came over to my sister Patty's house to see me and my new nodoo! She said she was ready to start crying and she goes holy man you would have to have a sexy head and laughed her head off. See she has always wanted hair like mine and says even bald you beat me!! HA sisters!
So I got over it. Losing the breast still is worse as it can't grow back. Well I have a sexy head so great. The hats and the scarves have their own drawers, I did the big put away of all sexy bras and sports bras little baby dolls all sexy things with wires and stuff that just won't fit this new chemo body. I was a little sad but its so part of the process and month ago I couldn't face it but I did last night.
Now don't get wrong I bought nice jammies to and sexy ones too.
So I just finished my second round of chemo. Well it went great. But heres the thing they give me steroids. I could have bench pressedx 150 lbs on Friday. Unreal. I cleaned out junk bdrawers, rearranged furniture, cooked, baked, visited, it was unreal. I was truely the eveready battery and hit the wall gently last night around 8pm and slept until 8 this morning. Lucky could have been worse.
Lil nausea but they give you stuff for that too. Waiting for the H1N1 needle. that was a scary and annoying week listening to all the news and people freaking about it. Should I get it or not get it. I understand peoples concerns but enough already. Flu season is almost over thank god.
I heard conspiracy theories anyway.
So I'm getting through this. My Dr. told me that in the last ten years none of her patientsdiagnosed with breast passed away from it. My Onacologist is so good too. She is like 31 gorgeous, I keep asking her if she's married, hey I know nice guys, anyway she won't tell me. I think she thinks I'm a little nosey.
Yesterday was fabulous. The high school reunion we had this year in Riverview brought so many people back into my life. I am so lucky. Yesterday I had alot of laughs with Jill , Janice and Sandra , so many of you are keeping me going and ifs fabulous.
You know I say they didn't cut my ego or vanity out, but other things are going. Whats important to me is becoming more real everyday. For example Christmas... never really loved it. When I was a single mom it was counting paychecks until christmas. Robs father always got Rob so I'd be alone. When I did have him he would leave to his Dads on the 26th.
He's older those days are gone and I am sooooooooooooo looking forward decorating my new house, putting up the tree, baking cookies, wrapping presents, theres woods behind the house so you know I'll be spray painting twigs and stuff.
Yup this year I'm going to celebrate my beliefs, and get into the spirit, anyone who wants to come and celebrate or do crafts please come. Or just come and drink coffee and eat cookies.
Just come.
xoxoxoxox

2nd chemo done yeah

I just deleted my post b y accident had a late phone call so will have to write this tomorrow,if you have signed on to read about my life in suspended an imation tune in tomorrow. I promise to make it a good read. love sue